Let's Get Real for a Minute

Today I want to talk about something I'm really passionate about, and something that's very close to my heart.  After I had Aidan I struggled.  Like REALLY struggled.  Becoming a mom was something I wanted to do for as long as I can remember.  My entire life had lead up to the moment I met my baby for the first time.  I was completely elated after he was born.  Then the difficulties with breastfeeding started, the lack of sleep started to take its toll, he was hospitalized for jaundice, my own body which was trying to recover from a pretty traumatic labor and delivery experience, and my hormones were completely out of whack.  I remember getting up to feed Aidan in the middle of the night when he was a few days old and thinking, "This is my life now.  I am never going to be rested again.  I have to keep doing this every few hours for the forseeable future."  And then it really start to set in.

Having a baby is a BIG FUCKING DEAL.  It's more work than you could ever fathom or prepare for beforehand.  I thought I knew what parenthood would be like.  I've been taking care of other people's kids for many years.  I love babies.  I'm a pediatric nurse for goodness sakes!  Taking care of kids is my JOB!  But suddenly none of that mattered.  When it's your own baby, it's a whole different ball game and I suddenly had NO IDEA what I was doing.  For an extreme Type A personality that was entirely overwhelming.  I am a planner to my very core; I need to be organized and in control.  When you have a baby, you have very little control over your life at first.  Your whole life revolves around catering to your baby's every need.

I remember telling my mom and Jon, "I'm not Kaitlin anymore.  I have no idea who I am." I remember saying over and over again, "I'm not a person anymore."  I was totally floundering.  I cried myself to sleep pretty much every night.  I cried a lot during the day.  Sure, there were moments of happiness.  I LOVED that baby fiercely, but I didn't really know how to like him.  Babies take take take take take take take and can't really give back.  It's exhausting! Aidan would scream for hours (I later found out he had a milk protein intolerance that was contributing to that) and I remember putting him in a baby carrier and pacing the halls of my house crying along with him.  I also remembering bringing Aidan to visit with my coworkers while I was on maternity leave.  One of them said to me, "Isn't being a mom just the best thing in the world?" I honestly could not understand what she was talking about at that point.  I felt like the only one who had ever felt that way. Everyone else I knew seemed to be loving mommyhood.  They posted the sweetest pictures of themselves and their babies on Facebook and Instagram.  Besides, what kind of mother doesn't like their kid?  What kind of mother feels like she made a big mistake and wasn't cut out for motherhood like she'd always thought she was?

Finally, in the midst of all of this I read a blog post from a beauty blogger I'd been following for a while (read it here).  I started to realize that maybe I wasn't alone.  Maybe I wasn't the only mother who'd felt this way.  Motherhood is so heavy at times.  This was the start of my recovery.  I started getting more sleep.  I was back at work and started to feel more connected to pre-baby Kaitlin.  I am a damn good nurse and getting back to doing something I was confident at felt great.  I started falling head over heels in love with the little human I had created.  He started to smile and show affection.  He was more than just a newborn.  He had feelings and preferences and a little personality that was beginning to emerge.  I started to understand what my coworker said when she said, "Isn't motherhood the best?"

The purpose of this post is to be transparent.  BECOMING A MOM IS HARD!  Not enough people tell it like it is.  If you're scrolling through social media in the middle of the night and all you see are happy pictures and posts from other moms, you're going to feel like shit if you're struggling.  We are doing women a huge disservice if we only share the happy, blissful moments of parenthood.  That's not real life!  It makes moms feel isolated and guilty when they're not (or not always) loving motherhood.  So, I implore you, be real!  Be real on social media.  Share some tough moments in between the perfect-appearing ones.  Be real with your friends; find some women that you can be completely honest with, that you can count on to tell you the truth.

If you're struggling, I want you to know that you're not alone.  Talk to someone.  Talk to your mom, a friend, a coworker, , your doula, your partner.  Don't keep those feelings inside.  Accept help!  And for God's sake TALK TO YOUR MIDWIFE/DOCTOR!!!  Do NOT be ashamed to get help for yourself.  You're doing a great job.  You are enough.  And it gets easier, I promise.